Ultra Sound....

so today I had to go back for my follow up ultra sound....


My boss was concerned about the potential of me going on maternity leave!!!
he told me he noticed that I was starting to show!! jeeeeeeepers!!

anyway...

my kids had my car this week since I wasn't driving ...... my son brought the car home on his lunch... and I had to have him back to the school for 1:45 .... as soon as I dropped him off, I went to the hospital.... I was early .... quite early......so had to sit there for a while....let me say that again.. yes.. I WAS EARLY.... quite obviously, I'm not well! duh!


so I checked in, gave them the same info I've given them the last 3 times I've been in there... yes I still live on stanley street, yes David is my next of kin ( AND WOULD YOU PLEASE not put it that way...... sheesh ) ...... nothing has changed in 3 days.......

so anyway...... I'm checked in and sent to the waiting area......it's full of people..... with a few seats left.... over near the tv....

the tv is set on the Cartoon network..... and of course, there's no remote.

That's a nasty thing to do to a man.... let him sit in the same room with a tv, and not let him hold a remote....


and not only was the tv set on cartoooooooooons...... the screen was all off center.... half of the screen covered in black.... I couldn't find any buttons to adjust the vertical placement... so I had to just sit there..... other than the two pregnant girls on gurney's in the hall, I was by a country mile the youngest one there.....

and we were ALL watching cartoons....


I decided I'd try reading...... and reached for a magazine.... the choices were mind boggling.....



[1] Chatelaine.... pfffffff..... I don't think so...


[2] Victoria's Secret Catalogue... no, I'm serious.... a VICTORIA's SECRET catalogue... IN A HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM...... I looked around...... thought about it... and didn't.

Too many people here.. don't dare read THAT...


so I opted for door # 3


[3] a 1975 National Geographic ....


JEEPERS

You can tell the hospital budget is stretched when people are bringing in magazines from HOME!

Anyway....I got nicely involved in a story about the USS Monitor... an iron clad ship that sank on Dec 31, 1862 on it's way to South Carolina..... yawn........

and just as I was about to get to the exciting part, where they dug up 22 artifacts from the silty waters where the wreck was found...... I heard my name..

Paul Ma KAY ......

Paul Ma KAY ......

do you mean MACKEY???? ( the funny part about my name is... people either say it right or spell it right, but never ever both! ) ...

I looked over at the nurse.... and shuddered..... nice enough looking lady.... late 50's I'd say... but had one of those COME OVER HERE AND DON'T COMPLAIN looks on her face......

"FOLLOW ME, MR. MA- KAY"

and I DID.

now let me say... that normally..... the words.... " Go in here and take your trousers off" ...... well.... YOU JUST DON'T HEAR THAT EVERY DAY.......

but cause the woman SCARED ME, I did...

I went into this little bathroom type cubicle change room... you know the type: 2' x 3' .... where your love handles rub on both sides , and you don't dare turn around cause you might get WEDGED.... one of THOSE kinda rooms!

and the walls are cold steel... probably chilled... to maintain the quality ambiance of a hospital....... ugh...

HERE... she said.... remove your trousers ( Yes, you MENTIONED THAT )

.... and put on this gown.....

I held up the little folded cotton thingy .......

"I own folded Handkerchiefs that are bigger than this, lady! "

so I removed my trousers... and start to unfold the one-size-fits-some gown...

as she heads down the hall....I hear her holler ... LEAVE THE BACK OPEN

well lady, I dont' have a choice.... this isn't a gown.. it's an APRON.

AND BRING YOUR CLOTHES WITH YOU......

so I got my TROUSERS off.... draped the One-Size-Doesn't-Even-Come-Close-To-Fitting-Me Gown around my uh.... front.... leaving the back and part of both sides open..... as instructed.

I opened the door... and stood there.... with my hands up on the top of the door posts on both sides.... and just stood there like a Victoria's Secret Model....

Picture it.....

Long sleeve button down shirt, underrrrr the thread bare gown, tied as best I could...

with my knobby knees poking out under it..... and two black socks on my feet.....

READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD.....

and there I stood... and stood and stood..... I peered around the corner..... no nurse

she was gone....

I looked to the right.... another waiting room...... but there was a PERSON in there....

and not just a person... a woman..... and not just a woman... but one of those.... "Hi, I'm 60 and never been kissed" women....

ugh... I'm not going out there looking like this.......

I dont' know if it'd be prudent to go out there looking like ANYTHING, to be honest...

so I waited... legs crossed now, standing in the doorway of my lovely cubicle..... gown on, socks still on...... Brad Pitt eat your heart out!

Finally I spot my nurse.... heading down the hall away from me..... so I holler...

oh HELLO.... where would you like me to go?? I'm READY!

to which she replies.... oh, there are no rooms available.... just go out and wait in the waiting room....

and nods towards the room to my right... yup, the one with the woman waiting for her knight in shining gown.....

shudder.

i looked towards the waiting room, looked back towards the nurse, who'd continued walking and was gone by now....

I looked out again, towards the waiting room... and made a split second decision....

I went back in to my cubicle, shut the door...... and put my TROUSERS back on.

I walked out into the waiting room, fully clothed, with the gown still on..... holding my shoes and my coat...

and sat down...... 10 seats away from my suitor... just in case!

and waited...

and waited....

and waited....

this is the LAST time I'm coming early to an appointment...

after a few minutes of thumbing through Christmas recipes of Decembers Good Housekeeping, my feet started to get cold....

so I reached for my shoes.... and decided to put them on... i mean, I'm SITTING OUT IN A WAITING ROOM.... I should have shoes on..

so just as I get my 2nd shoe on, a door opens up... and my loving nurse comes out... and just as she is about to disappear around the corner.. she stops... and looks over at me... and GLARES.

I blushed..... and took my hands off the laces and said.. uh.. my feet were cold!!

she frowned... and said.... It's your leg right?? We're doing an ultra sound on your leg??

Yes...

and she glared again...

BUT YOUR TROUSERS are on......

i just looked at her..... and in my peripheral, I see movement....

MRS I've never been kissed is giggling.....

I looked back and forth between them .... and in a voice that sounded a lot like mine, I hear the words...

But I'm BASHFUL....

she rolled her eyes... and walked off....

oh this is NOT going to be good........................

I looked over at uh... the giggler... and she is still giggling....

"no sir ee".... she says, "I wouldn't sit out here in my underwear EITHER...."

shudder.... mental IMAGES... MENTAL IMAGES.....

before I had long enough to worry, I heard my name again..

This way Paul....

oh dear......

So I followed the tender woman, into the Ultra Sound room..... and had to .... you guessed it.... REMOVE MY TROUSERS.....

shudder........

so the next few minutes are a blur.... really they are.......

I remember three things.....

ONE..... she kept poking and prodding my thigh... my UPPER thigh.... and that little prod thingy was making me REALLY squirm......

and, she kept moving higher and higher on my leg....

At one point, she says... this might feel a little uncomfortable.

"Good luck at the Understatement-of-the-Year awards lady"

I lay there.... shaking.

the second thing I remember is... that she warned me she was going to grab my calf....

out of the blue... she just says... ok, I'm going to be grabbing your calf.

ok then.

I mean, I really didn't care..... she was moving south... away from the upper thigh... this is a good thing.

after a few more minutes, which seemed like hours which in reality were only seconds....

she throws a towel at me and says lovingly... we're done

oh yeah... we DONE lady.....

and then she said words that actually meant a lot... she said: there's no sign of a clot at all...

phew.............

ok... PASS ME MY TROUSERS!!!